From the January issue of the local SNOWBIRDS magazine…
By Frank Bauggs, Editor and Publisher of SNOWBIRDS, because there’s no money in the budget to hire writers.
Ed and Gail Hickman began their latest adventure — retirement, coupled with some of those kinky sex things they’d always wanted to try when they were younger — in 2017.
Ed, aged 70, grew up in rural Massachusetts, and Gail, aged 67, in what she calls “deep in the darkest asshole of Maine.” They tied the knot back in 1991, but engaged in a lot of premarital hanky panky years before that.
The couple combined Ed’s two daughters from a previous marriage (“I don’t wanna talk about that cunt,” Ed tells me when I ask about his first wife) and some other assorted kids, pets and hangers-on into their family. The spend three or four months a year on the Emerald Coast, but they’re not sure why.
The Hickmans first visited Northwest Florida in 2010 to visit one of their daughters (“Can’t remember her name, sorry,” says Ed) who had relocated here with five of the couple’s 47 grandchildren. Ed and Gail attend and are active members at Destin’s Church of the Poisoned Mind.
They spend the rest of the year visiting their other children, who, Ed says, are “scattered all over the fucking country. What, do they think we’re made of gas money? We have a place on the beach. Why don’t they drive down here, for Christ’s sake?”
What did you do before retirement?
ED: You’re gonna need to speak up, the missus and I are a little hard of hearing.
WHAT. DID. YOU. DO. BEFORE. RETIREMENT?
ED: Jeeps, you don’t have to shout, fella. Honey, what did we do before we retired?
GAIL: What didn’t we do? (winks and laughs maniacally)
ED: He’s not talking about what we did in the boo-dwah, Gail. I can see you’ve been hitting that bottle pretty heavily, and it’s not even lunchtime yet.
GAIL: You damn skippy. Fuck it, I’m retired.
Has the Novel Coronavirus changed your habits while you’re here on the Redneck Riviera? If so, how?
ED: The Novel WOT?!
I’m sorry, the COVID-19. The Pandemic. The goddamn plague.
GAIL: Oh, yeah, they’re really off their nuts up there in Maine, enforcing mask wearing and social distancing, telling people they should hold off on exchanging bodily fluids. But we love that here in Florida, you guys just don’t give a fuck and act like everything’s normal.
ED: We like to go see that fella that plays for the Snowbirds at AJ’s. Wally, I think his name is, he’s from Ohio. And I swear to Christ, there’s more motherfuckers there than last winter. I kind of feel like they all just wanna die. But Gail and I have each other, and we don’t really care about any of those people anyway.
What activities do you enjoy?
GAIL: As you might have guessed, I like to get a little wobbly. I keep a bottle of vodka next to the bed, so I can have a big ol’ swig as soon as I wake up. And if I happen to get up in the middle of the night, all the better.
Ed and I like to go for a walk on the beach around eight o’clock in the morning. In my case, it’s a stumble on the beach.
ED: I pretty much like to nap and watch the Weather Channel. And I like some of those cute videos everybody shares on the Internet. We just watched one called CUM GUZZLING WHORES, and it was a doozy. We went to see the Cirque du Soleil show in Vegas last fall, and believe you me, they have nothing on the gals in that video.
Gail does a lot of cooking, and I have to — er, I mean LOVE — to eat anything she dishes out. We enjoy watching CELEBRITY BOWLING episodes on Amazon Prime. I feel bad that the kids don’t know what a badass Arte Johnson was, and how good that goddamn Creamettes macaroni tasted back in the day.
GAIL: Also, we love to go to the supermarket right when they open in the morning and buy up all the good stuff at the bakery. And if any of those Instacart weirdos are shopping we make sure we take up the whole aisle and walk really slow. Those losers don’t get paid by the hour, and they’re always in a hurry. But Ed and I, we’re not. Fuck ‘em, we’re retired.
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